In a move of desperation–or perhaps genius–depending on the outcome, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced a series of special player and coach tryouts mid-season.
Rumored to be in response to historically low TV ratings, as fans and viewers reject the NFL’s BLM/Social Justice activism, this week select Anti-fa and BLM representatives will be evaluated for positions on team rosters and in the coaching ranks.
“We have analyzed numerous video sources, and we are astonished at the raw athleticism, and enthusiasm, shown by some” Goodall explained. “We’ve seen some gifted athletes able to leap up and dance on police vehicles, big burly ones rushing police lines–there’s plenty of teams that need inside linebackers who can hit like that! We’ve seen some peaceful protesters who aim defensive kicks at the head of aggressive Trump supporters–some of those guys look like they could hit field goals from 50 yards out easy! And the arm strength it takes to swing a skateboard so hard! Guys like that might be able to chuck the ball way downfield to receivers!
“Sounds good, for players, but what about coaching staff opportunities”? Called out the ESPN reporter.
“Oh, of course, yes, we are directing teams to add additional coaching staff positions for BLM leaders.” Said Goodell. “Each team will have a mandatory Kneeling Coach, who will specialize in Pre-game national anthem, techniques. Each team will have a designated BLM graffiti artist, and an official BLM Rap Artist signed to our new record label.”
“Hmm… great for BLM, what about Anti-fa? Will teams be ordered to hire Anti-fa coaches as well?” Asked the ESPN agent.
“Well. Anti-fa can be hired as equipment managers. Concessions. Janitorial crew, perhaps. But probably to get the respect of our players, the new coaches should come from BLM, primarily.”
There were mixed reactions among random fans we talked to at a Manhattan Sports Bar. Most people seemed to dismiss the idea. “What the fuck, let ’em join a team in prison!” said one, while “We just want to watch a game without politics” was a surprisingly common quote.