The Duke of Depression

Prince Harry Agrees to Chemical Castration

Depresion and Series of Setbacks Force Royal Rascal to Radical Remedy

Prince Harry
The 1,000 Yard Stare…like a grunt sometimes gets after going through too much shit, being in the bush too long, part of his PTSD…like he sees…beyond.

You think you’ve had a bad week? A bad month? You probably haven’t been depressed enough, or henpecked and pushed to the point of accepting voluntary chemical castration, in order to please your demanding wife.

With our unique contacts all around the world, including within the Royal Family of England, we get a lot of tips about really tragic stories. It’s safe to say, you don’t know suffering until you understand the fall of Prince Harry, or as we here at The Philthy Times like to refer to him, “The Duke of Dumbass!”

The Royals
Even the good old days were pretty miserable, always having to kiss Willy’s ass, it was tough.

Things have broken bad for Prince Harry, since the embarrassing public “exit” from the British Monarchy, or at least an exit from his “Royal Duties” you may say. First, Harry was duped by a prank calling comedian who had someone posing as Gretta Thurnburgh, and Harry believed them and spilled the beans on a bunch of embarrassing stuff.

Then came the embarrasment of President Trump publicly humiliating him by tweeting that the US would not pay for security for Harry and Meghan. Sure, they had enough money to cover security, but it’s damn expensive, and after that and the 25,000 square foot mansion in Beverlly Hills, they sort of had to put Harry’s plan of dedicating himself to “philanthropy” on hold; they didn’t have unlimited resources anymore, so any kind of budget, even one that allows for 25,000 square foot Beverly Hills mansions and round the clock Secret Service grade private security, was a new experience, so they pretty much need to make some money–not fun for Harry.

Harry probably wasn’t expecting to be hailed in America like Charles Lindbergh with a ticker tape parade. But on the other hand, like many of the rest of us, he didn’t really seem to correctly foresee much of anything when he emancipated himself from his grandma, The Queen of England, and left home to move to California, no doubt with some coaxing from his new bride. 

Harry had been embarrassed badly, but the first sign of real trouble was when he seemed to be caught off guard by not being allowed to get paid to dress up like a Nutcracker–he had lost his British Military Rank and Privilege. In the prank call Harry had said that he hadn’t “really” lost his titles, that it was just a formality. Reality was hard for Harry to face.

Then hard on the heels of that, came Meghan getting even more demanding, if that was possible! Since she was adapting well, having been an actress in Hollywood long before meeting Harry, and she was busy and thriving, but bitchy with Harry our insider says “Meghan really started hounding him”. Then one day Harry was fondly remembering some hunts he used to go on with his family, and how he might go hunting again to cheer himself up, but Meghan wouldn’t have any of it–she got furious and ordered him to sell his guns.

That was probably the start of the real downfall, a downward spiral of depression from which The Prince never recovered.”

Harry
Having to give up his guns hurt Harry more than he realized.

While Meghan loves Hollywood, and is busy having lunches and meetings with Producers and other friends and executives, Hollywood didn’t seem to have anything that interests or works for The Depressed Duke.

It was starting to get embarrassing, and pressure was mounting on Harry to get a job–until the Coronavirus hit–and at least that gave Harry an excuse to stay in luxurious exile within the huge 25000 square foot Beverly Hills mansion, owned by Tyler Perry and rented by Harry.

But soon the luxurious stay at home was ruined, as both Harry and Meghan started being hounded by helicopters and drones, and they can’t set foot outside without being videotaped by paparazzi. That’s made Meghan so bitchy, it’s unbearable.

drone
Meghan ordered Harry to make the drones go away. He was powerless. Harry even called his grandma and cried, and begged her to do something, but The Queen just said “I told you so.” (U.S. Air Force photo by Alejandro Peña)

After all that, Meghan helped Harry decide to take forcefull action, and the option of chemical castration was agreed upon. One of Meghan’s servants issued a written statement;

“When Meghan met Harry, he was still a bit conservative, owing to his background and upbringing. Meghan fell in love with him anyway. As his wife and life partner, Meghan has an obligation to help Harry learn and grow and become a better, more progressive person. She has therefor decided, that while she is persuing her career as a super-hero in future Disney blockbuster movies, Harry will stay at home and supervise the nannies who care for thier son, Archie, and while doing that he will also asume the mantle of support for the imprtant cuases they are dediated to, global warming, the Coronavirus shutdown, convincing others to stay home and to wear masks at all times, and of course the MeToo movement. As a tangible sign of support for all that, Harry will undergoe chemical castration. It’s for his own good, it will improve his mood and his health and even increase his life expectancy!”

The chemical cure
Harry knows what he must do to keep Meghan happy, and fit in with her Hollywood friends.

Harry’s people did not issue a statemnt. Harry himself cannot make eye contact with anyone anymore.

Harry is depressed and miserable, in self imposed exile, estranged from his family, hooked up with a controlling partner, forced to change his very identity and what he believes in, to fit in with people he does not like or understand, unemployed, spied upon constantly, which he hates but has reluctantly accepted, is not really political but must hate Trump anyway, to conform.

In short, Prince Harry is now perfectly qualified as a US citizen and resident of California!

He doesn’t realize it, but he has assimilated well, and rumors are that after the castration, Meghan will set him up as a nationwide motivational speaker and success coach, and allow him to move forward with his philanthropy!

Welcome, Harry! America just keeps getting better and better!

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