Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer announced a legislative program calling for 66 trillion dollars in new taxes over the next five years to construct a time machine, and send social justice warriors into the past to stop racism and white nationalism before it begins. The money is to be spread out among government agencies and state universities, who will work together to create the device, then train and equip teams to go into the past and carry out various missions–mostly assassinations of historical figures.
“We have the technology to defeat the white nationalists!” Nancy Pelosi began, surrounded by her democrat comrades. “And we need to use this technology, because the white nationalists and Trump supporters won’t come out and admit that they are Neo-Nazis, they keep lying and claiming to just want to follow the constitution. Well, we know that the framers of the constitution were white supremacists also, so its just horrible to let them get away with covering up their racism by claiming to follow the rule of law.”
There were murmurs of agreement among the press corps.
“We can’t take a chance with an election. People have been fooled by Trumps tweets, his claims to just want to help all Americans and keep America great–all those racist, dog-whistle messages” Pelosi continued. “We intend to send a team back in time to approximately 9 1/2 months before the birth of Donald Trump, and prevent his conception.”
“How will you prevent the conception!” Shouted the reporter from The Washington Post.
“We’ll try a peaceful method first, such as having one of our Hollywood movie stars seduce Donald’s father, then reveal his infidelity to the mom.” Pelosi explained. “If that doesn’t work, there’s always the old fashioned bullet to the head, and make if look like murder suicide!”
There was a chorus of questions from the excited reporters, they were taking notes furiously as Pelosi provided more details.
“No, Donald Trump is not the only target; we intend to eliminate many of the white nationalists who helped build this horrible, racist country. Christopher Columbus. George Washington. Thomas Jefferson. Roosevelt–Teddy of course, not FDR!”
The press corps cheered and applauded loudly. “What about Hitler! Will you target him, and prevent WWII?” Shouted the reporter from The Huff-Post.
“No.” The room got quite as Pelosi explained. “We intend to bring Hitler back to the future with us, to hold him accountable for his crimes. After a fair trial, and conviction, he will serve time in a minimum security prison, where he will be re-educated. After he’s paid his dues to society, he can be put to work, as the mayor of Chicago, or perhaps chair of the DNC.”
There was only one person who didn’t seem to see the wisdom of the legislation; a guy from “Info-Wars” had somehow gotten past security by posing as a disable intern for NPR. He jumped up and fired off several questions. “Is the Secret Service aware you are planning to assassinate the President? How can people afford 66 trillion dollars in new taxes? It’s not possible to build a time machine, so what will you really spend the money on? And even if you could build it, is it wise to meddle with history? Couldn’t you end up doing massive damage, making changes to time?”
Pelosi seemed confused, and looked to her left and right for support. Schumer stepped up to assist. “Ahh, would ah, security please escort that ah, reporter out please?” He said. “Look, ah, the bottom line is this is a good thing. You have to beak a few eggs to make an omelet. Yeah, we’re gonna have to kill some people. But the more people we kill in the past, the fewer people we’ll have to kill in the present. So yeah, let’s pass this legislation, so we can see how it works.”
As usual, reactions were split along partisan lines; Democrats were excited, they had a spring to their step and many were commenting that this was a “game-changer” that would “seal the deal.”
Republicans were cautious skeptical. Some said “It’s just another Democrat tax and spend scam.”
Others were more disturbed, wondering if their own ancestors might be targeted. One GOP insider, who requested anonymity, said “Even Captain Kirk in Star Trek understood that there should be a Prime Directive, not to interfere in a societies development. I just don’t see how we can make the leap to state sponsored assassination–especially against our-self!”