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Biden Announces Vice Presidential Pick

Taps Registered Nurse for Running Mate

Democrats are already in love with “Nurse Naomi”

Nurse Naomi to the rescue! 

She checks all the boxes; she’s a woman of color, as Kamala Harris and other Democrats have demanded. She’s a political newcomer, so she doesn’t have any baggage to worry about, no scandals, no voting record. And she’s a medical professional, a registered nurse, certified to provide care for persons diagnosed with Alzheimer’s symptoms. 

In short, she’s the perfect running mate for Joe Biden, who announced today, from his basement exile, that Naomi Jones will be his pick for Vice President. 

“I got a..a..ahhh. A big, you know, a thing. An announcement. That’s it, a big announcement. The former Vice President said, with a little prompting from aides to look at his teleprompter. “Donald better look out. This woman. This woman, right here. Well, she’s not here. But that’s OK. She will be. She’s great. She’s, ahhh…Naomi Jones! And she’s gonna help me kick Donald’s ass!”

Nurse Naomi
Jones, with her back to the camera, is shown here on her last assignment, which was excellent experience for her role as Biden’s VP

The Biden campaign then played a short video introducing the registered nurse who’s only political experience was volunteering for both of Obama’s elections and for Hillary Clinton’s campaign in 2016. In the video, Nurse Naomi is interviewed and praised by Anderson Cooper. 

Democrats were unanimous in celebrating the selection. “She’s the real deal” many would repeat. “Nurse Naomi has the cure for Trumpism.”

Republicans were cautious. “We look forward to a debate with Vice President Pence, to expose her lack of experience on foreign policy.” said one Republican National Committee staffer. 

Although genuine independents are getting harder to find than unicorns, we did speak with one woman who claims to be an undecided, independent voter. She was a bit incredulous. “What the hell?” she exclaimed. “You can’t just take your caretaker and make her Vice President! How’s she going to have time to do the job, when she’s busy feeding Biden and changing his diapers?”

Dementia Joe
One of Nurse Naomi’s duties will be to keep a binky on had at all times, to prevent Biden from biting and sucking on the fingers of his cabinet.


$40 off Fresh Meal Plan

Chicago Hairstylist Disappears, Presumed Dead

Rumors Swirl as Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot Denies Any Knowledge

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot
Different standards for Citizens and Politicians? No Problem?

By now everyone has heard about Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot, Democrat, threatening to arrest anyone who goes out and violates her stay at home martial law orders–anyone but her and her personal stylist, that is.

Claiming she needs to look good because she’s “in the public eye” Mayor Lightfoot violated her own edicts closing barbershops and hair-styling salons. The criticism was harsh, not only for allowing herself to go out, when citizens face arrest for the same thing, but for the haircut itself. It was embarrassing, not flattering, and may have resulted in the stylist, who has been missing since the scandal broke, being assassinated.

Some are dismissing the rumors as reckless conspiracy theories. “Anyone who believes that Mayor Lightfoot would assassinate her hair-stylist over an admittedly bad haircut” Declared one Chicago resident. “Is a crazy-ass conspiracy theorist and outright White Supremacist!”

Chicago PR
The office of Mayor of Chicago comes with a special team of Public Relations troubleshooters to take care of issues or disrespect of any kind.

Others were not so sure. One woman who wished to remain anonymous said she believes the rumors. “Oh, hell yeah, that stylist got whacked. Not that she’d do it herself, mind you…but Lightfoot don’t play! You don’t do her like that, without repercussions!”

The Mayor’s office issued a written statement denying any knowledge of any crime and now claims that the haircut itself never happened, that it was all a hoax perpetrated by Fox News.


PRANA - Healthy Snacks, Organic Foods & Natural Products

Omar Proposes Mandatory Hijabs For Schoolchildren

Ilhan Omar
Forcing children to wear Muslim garb will help keep them safe from the Coronavirus.

We caught up with Ilhan Omar, and wanted to ask her about her recent comments that General Flynn had been cleared of wrongdoing by the Justice department because of “white privilege.” She had other ideas.

“I don’t want to talk about anything negative, like the White Privilege that got another one of Donald Trump’s friends out of jail.” She said. I will only discuss positive things, like helping children stay safe from Trump’s Coronavirus.”

Our Philthy Times investigative reporter encouraged Omar, and asked about how she would keep the kids safer.

“Yes, well, it’s because of the Coronavirus, or course.” Omar continued. “We can make the children wear masks. In school. But the Hijab can be fashioned Niqab-style, to cover the mouth and nose–why not be Sharia compliant and safe too?”

Hajib, Niqab, or Burka?
A series of Elementary School Social Studies textbooks will stress the necessity of wearing the Niqab, unless you want to die from a deadly virus.

Omar was in a hurry and talked as she walked to an SUV that was waiting to chauffeur her to the airport. “This will settle the debate about uniforms for public schools, once and for all. We can do it now with the virus.”

“What about boys, they don’t wear Hijabs do they?” Our investigative reporter asked.

“Oh, no, of course not. The boys will feel and look like little princes with their beautiful thobes!” Omar exclaimed, before driving off to a private jet for a climate change event with Gretta in Sweden.

tbe thobe
Boys will be able to choose a red thobe, as depicted above, or a blue one, depending on their crip or blood affiliation.


Maricopa County Recorder Declares Emergency, Announces “EF-BOMBS”

Emergency-Face-Book Online-Mobile-Ballot Stations

Fontes
The positive memes, and propaganda favorable to Fontes, are on his official government website as the Maricopa County Recorder.

Undaunted by almost being stripped of his authority by the County Governing Board, back in 2018, or by the State Attorney General issuing a restraining order a few weeks ago, to prevent him from a mass-mailing of ballots to Democrats who didn’t request them, County Recorder Fontes has announced a new plan to harvest votes for the November Election: ”EF-BOMBS”, Emergency Face Book Online Mobil Ballot Stations”

“This Covid-19 emergency is beyond anything we’ve ever encountered,” Fontes solemnly announced to the press.

“I have a responsibility to help people vote, but also keep the public safe! We are therefore setting up numerous pages on Facebook, to serve as EF-BOMBS. Our EF-BOMBS will ensure that no citizen is denied their right to vote by some racist Republican. We will work with the FPAT, Facebook Political Action Team, to ensure there are as many EF-BOMBS created, as many pages as we need, to get the votes. As an added safety measure, anyone who can’t vote on Facebook, just send an email to my personal G-mail account, with “Emergency Vote” in the heading, and I’ll make sure your wishes for a straight Democratic party ballot are honored.” 

As usual, reaction to the “decisive actions” taken by the controversial County Recorder, known for his profanity-laced tirades against Republicans and Trump supporters, whom he denounces as racist xenophobes, was mixed along partisan party lines.

Democrats cheered, with one who requested to remain anonymous, because he was in the country illegally, saying “Hell yeah! If I wanna vote against Trump on Facebook, that’s my right!” 

Republicans were muted, perhaps caught off guard by the audacity of the Fontes plan, or wary of being branded a racist who opposes people’s right to vote. 

One source inside the AZ GOP pledged to fight, at least against the email portion of the scheme. “I don’t know about trying to stop Facebook from collecting votes, they’re pretty much unstoppable with the whole deep-state intelligence community behind them.” She said. “We’d be better off trying to get our own EF BOMBS. But that emergency back-up voting, by sending Fontes an email, that won’t stand up! The Attorney General can get another restraining order against Fontes to at least stop that!”


Senator Sinema Proposes Changing States Five Cs

Kirsten Sinema, the Democratic Senator from Arizona, shocked the AZ State Capitol today when her office announced that Senator Sinema was working on a formal proposal to officially replace Arizona’s famous “Five Cs–Copper, Cattle, Cotton, Citrus, and Climate.”

The 5 Cs
It’s time to move forward.

We obtained a copy of a leaked document with details of the proposal. “The current situation is a once in a lifetime opportunity to restructure American society, and align behaviors with the Global World Cartel agenda. Opportunities for fundamental changes are available now, which we may never get again.”

The introduction included some suggestions for initiatives that other politicians could try, then dove into the specifics of The Five C Change. “We know the benefits of good climate are not sustainable” it said. “Not with Climate-Change such an existential threat. What good is great climate if it changes and the oceans rise up and drown us all anyway? Plus, people just aren’t scared enough of climate change. Therefore we will start this progressive initiative by replacing Climate with Coronavirus.”

The Philthy Times
Climate gets replaced with Coronavirus.

“The Citrus and Cotton industries have a dark history of being associated with slavery and the exploitation of migrant farm workers.” The document continued. “In good conscience we shouldn’t continue to celebrate that in Arizona. It’s time to put our racist past behind us, and a great way to facilitate that will to replace Citrus and Cotton with Cannabis and Coyotes.”

“Getting weed-smokers to carry a card for that, while taxing their dimebag purchases, is the future. Therefore Arizona’s new cash crop should be Cannabis. With weed legal, the Coyotes no longer need to smuggle that, so they can focus on human trafficking–helping people better their lives by creatively circumventing immigration laws and policies.”

The Philthy Times
Cannabis should replace Cotton, according to the leaked document from Senator Sinema’s office.

“The Cattle industry, and eating red meat, just isn’t part of the progressive, Green-New-Deal future.” The document explained. “Enlightened people are vegans. In-tune with our utopian vision of a future full of people eating tofu in their home-quarantine, while interacting with people online instead of in person, the C for Cattle will be replaced with ‘Cybersecurity’. First, we get people isolated with martial law orders; push them to online platforms to interact or work, then keep them safe with a ‘WOCS’ a Wonderful Orwellian Cybersecurity System that watches everyone all the time.”

The Philthy Times
People need to be watched constantly to be kept safe. Cybersecurity replaces Cattle.

“That just leaves the fifth C, Copper.” The document concludes. “The plight of the workers in the mines was horrible. But every cloud has a silver lining. The deplorable conditions in the mines gave rise to the Communist Party in Arizona. In homage to that link, we will replace Copper with Communism. It’s time to abandon the negative connotation of the word ‘Communist’. Communist is for Community. Communists were our allies in defeating the Nazis in WWII. Communists are our friends and trade partners in China. Therefore, it’s time to replace Copper with Communism.”

“The new Five Cs for Arizona are Communism, Cybersecurity, Cannabis, Coyotes, and Coronavirus. With these five keys, we will control our economy and citizens, and keep them safe though the 21st century and beyond.”

Reactions were predictably polarized by party affiliation; Democrats were literally howling their support, with a new “Coyote-Cry for Progress” as they call it, while some Republicans dared to be seen as possibly controversial or perhaps potentially politically incorrect, by questioning if Communism was compatible with our Constitutional Republic.

So far, all those Republicans have been bullied into silence by personal attacks from the media and being labeled as “progress deniers.”

The Philthy Times
Senator Sinema views a politician’s role as a sort of concierge for cradle to grave government services for the rainbow coalition.


6 for $30 Pint Glasses

First Contact!

Interstellar Travelers Crash White House Press Conference

First Contact
Some are questioning the Secret Service for allowing the interstellar visitors into the Press Conference. But they had legitimate CNN press credentials.

This Is going to be controversial; nobody who was there remembers it, and of the several hundred people who were watching the live feed of The White House Daily Coronavirus briefing, are all being visited by mysterious men in black suits with homeland security credentials, telling them to remain silent. Conflicting conspiracy theories are already emerging. But we here at The Philthy Times have a copy of the video. It’s true. First Contact. The world will never be the same, now that we know we are NOT alone!

At first it was business as usual; Potus Trump was rambling, repeating over and again what a great job he was doing battling the Coronavirus. Dr. Fauci was looking perturbed. Vice President Pence was in his usual Senturion like pose. Then, without warning, a group of three space aliens stood up and began complaining about humans.

It’s hard to be sure exactly what the aliens said, because they spoke in a mixture of English, Esperanto, and Pig Latin, with some of their own alien language mixed in.

Trump 2020
As the aliens started lecturing Trump about technology, fossil fuels and healthcare, the POTUS plugged his ears and began shouting “I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you!”

Some are claiming that the aliens condemned Trump personally, calling him a “bad orange human” who “should be impeached, again.” Others claim Trump was praised, quoting the aliens as saying “We like your style, Orange Man! You’re in over your head, but we’ll help you drain that swamp!”

President Trump didn’t react well personally, refusing to listen to the aliens or take their advice. But he was neither praised or blamed personally. After analyzing the video and audio, we have translated everything and the aliens condemned all people equally, for stupidity, greed, allowing wars and a relatively few to live in luxury while manny suffer and go hungry.

There were elements of anger in their message, it was a rant treally, and they seemed to imply that if they didn’t leave now, they might take actions they would regret later. They walked out, and disappeared into a blindingly bright light. They used some kind of technology, drug or hypnosis so that nobody who was there personally remembers it. President Trump is insisting it’s a hoax, just more fake news. We know the truth!

The Philthy aliens
It didn’t go as hoped. They left and may not return for a long time.


Prince Andrew Immune to Coronavirus

The Party Prince
Immunity to Coronavirus causes memory lapses.

Last November, when Prince Andrew gave his infamous interview with the BBC, he made several bizarre, eyebrow raising claims; such as, that he didn’t remember the girl he was photographed with (see above) who accuses him of suxual assoult, that he didn’t “party” despite being known for decades in the press as “The Party Prince”, and that the reason he went to stay with Jeffrey Epstein in New York for several days, after knowing that Epstein had been convicted of sex crimes, was because he simply wanted to tell Epstein that he couldn’t stay with him anymore. (that’s right, he had to see him to tel him he couldn’t see him)

But there was another claim that was scoffed at and derided at the time, but is now proving remarkable and true–that he “does not sweat.”

The claim about not being able to sweat, came after the BBC reporter read from the transcript of the testimony of the woman accusing The Prince of sexual assault, how the woman remembered dancing with Prince Andrew in a nightclub and that the Prince was sweating. In response, Prince Andrew chuckled and said there was “a problem with that story” which was namely that “I don’t sweat.” At first it just seemed like another of his pathological lies, but now scientists at The University of Cambridge are claiming it’s true, and may be the key to defeating the Coronavirus.

“After Prince Charles, His Royal Highness, The Prince of Wales, tested positive for the coronavirus, The Queen ordered all members of The Royal Family to be thoroughly tested and examined. Except for Prince Harry and that tramp of a wife of his, of course.” said Royal Physician Dr. Sinclaire “The Duke of York was sent to Cambridge for examination by some of the world’s top immunologists and microbiologists; the results of the tests on Prince Andrew were surprising, and lead to further research that shows that Prince Andrew does not sweat, due to a mutation in his immune system, which also makes him immune to syphilis, gonorrhea, ebola, the the common cold and flu–and the Coronavirus.”

The Philthy Times
Dr. Sinclair theorizes that decades of exposure to STDs caused a mutation in Prince Andrew’s immune system making him impervious to virtually all viruses and pathogens.

Prince Andrew is said to be cheerfully cooperating by donating blood in the hopes that a cure or at least a vaccination can be produced so that Bill Gates can peddle it through his foundation to make more money. The Queen is said to be cautiously optimistic that if his blood helps develop a vaccine for the Coronavirus, this will redeem her embarrassing second son. The Queen is considering a significant demonstration of symbolic support, by possibly allowing Prince Andrew to publicly attend a church service with her.

The Duke of debauchery with Epstein
The Duke of Debauchery said he was afraid Epstein would think he was “chicken” if he didn’t go to party with him one last time, before Epstein went to jail for sex crimes. Now scientists think all that contact with Epstein’s sex-slaves over the decades may have helped him develop immunity to coronavirus.


Garth Brooks Tickets

Kim Jong-un Granted Honorary US Citizenship

The Supreme Leader
Even the ever so carefully selected and state-approved artist had difficulty presenting Kim in a flattering manner.

Kim Jong-un, “The Great Successor”, Chairman of The Workers Party of North Korea, President, Premier, and Supreme Leader of North Korea, is reported to be in very guarded health, possibly even near death. It’s unclear if that is what prompted the surprise announcement today, by the Democratic National Committee, that the infamous North Korean Dictator was being granted honorary citizenship and registration as a Democrat, in The United States.

Earlier today, I received word from our esteemed comrade and Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi, who confirmed that secretly embedded into H.R.6201 – Families First Coronavirus Response Act was an amendment naming Kim Jong-un as an honorary US citizen, and registered member of The Democrat party” Tom Perez, Chair of the Democratic National Committee said in a prepared statement. “Supreme Leader JoNg-un has the perfect profile to be a celebrated democrat and immigrant; he’s a foreign national and a climate change refugee, overweight, suffering from hypertension and diabetes–perfect to highlight the necessity of granting the universal human right of free health care for pre-existing conditions. Combined with his fanatical belief in political dictatorship, these attributes make him a welcome addition to the progressive family.

New kid on the block

According to our sources, if his health improves, Jong-un will move to Hollywood to produce movies for Disney, and star in his own reality TV series based on Trump’s “The Apprentice” with his catch phrase to be “You’re Executed” instead of “You’re Fired.”

President Trump seemed surprised by the news when questioned about it during his daily press conference. “Really? No. I had not heard that. Rocket man. A citizen, and Democrat. OK. No worries. Travel ban still in effect.” The President said.

Meanwhile, our confidential DC sources are saying that this has been planned for some time. Jong-un is a good friend of both Chelsea Clinton and Prince Harry; the three share many qualities and interests, including low IQ and lack of charisma, but incredible wealth and power from tyrannical, enabling parents. Besides his new career in Hollywood. Kim is said to be prepared to sit on the Board of Directors for the Clinton Global Initiative Foundation, Jong-un will live in Beverly Hills and is excited by the opportunity to work with Meghan Markle and practice philanthropy in America, after having brought so much joy to his own land.


Amazon Rolls Out Quarantine Dating Service

With a prescription from a doctor or from a nurse practitioner, health care insurance will pay to use hospital rooms for private dating.

Jeff Bezos, the Wizard of Amazon, seems not to have missed a beat in expanding its business–already massive–while many other companies struggle to survive. In confidential financial reports released to Wall Street in preparation of earnings reports, which we obtained a copy of, one item caught our eye; Quarantine Behavioral Health Services; which is what they are calling their new dating service.

We soon unearthed a few key details from the documents, which we exclusively report here. It will be funded by the Social Security Administration, as a service through Medicaid. With a prescription from any doctor or an Amazon Licensed Nurse Practitioner, hospitals will provide clean-rooms and gear, testing and clean up after the date–behavioral health therapy–is over. medicaid will reimburse the hospitals up to $25,000 per overnight therapy session. Three hour sessions will start at $7500.00

For an extra fee, the usual personal fetish categories are accessible despite the pandemic.

With annual revenue over 280 billion already, Amazon could use their leverage in the market, combined with the potential of huge inflows from Medicaid, to produce big profits, hence the reason insiders are buying like crazy before the news gets out. Bezos himself is said to have given his personal stamp of approval on the new venture with rumors suggesting that it was intimate photos of Bezos and Lauren Sanchez testing the service, which lead to charges of blackmail, and an eventual divorce between Bezos and his wife of 25 years, last year.

“There’s lots of wheels to grease, the doctors and NPs that write the prescriptions, the hospital administrators and health care workers, Amazon, the politicians looting the Social Security Trust fund to pay for it all, it’s a lot” said our in the know source “but then again, you’re talking about a perfect storm of healthcare, government spending, the Coronavirus, and Bezos right there to make more money.”

Millenials who can’t afford the primary service, or don’t qualify for medicaid, will appreciate the Social Pandemic Wardrobe choices available from Amazon.


Feds Release El Chapo, Unabomber, and More

No tunneling required; this time the virus did the digging

It started a couple weeks ago, when California announced that they were releasing prisoners from jail in order to help fight the spread of Coronavirus. Few Californians questioned the wisdom of arresting people who violate the “stay at home” martial law orders, while at the same time emptying the jails of existing prisoners.

Other states inexplicably followed suit and also released prisoners from jail before their sentence was up–to fight the spread of the Coronavirus. Citizens have been conditioned not to question how crazy something the government does, as long as it’s supposedly for a good cause, to “help children” or “fight the spread of viruses.”

The Federal Bureau of Prisons was slow to adopt this strategy as well, but announced today at a press conference that they will immediately begin commuting the sentences of federal inmates, including Drug-Lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, Ted “The Unabomber” Kaczynski, Richard, “The Shoe Bomber” Reid, and more. The move is being made, according to Bureau Director M.D. Carvajal, as “phase six” in their plan to fight the spread of the Coronavirus. “We don’t know how it will help fight the spread of the Coronavirus” Carvajal said “but we can’t let the states get ehead of us in taking action to destroy the country…er, fight the Coronavirus, that is.”

Finally, and completely broken, Ted “The Unabomber Kaczynski says he will become a high school math teacher

El Chapo was tight lipped about his future plans. Some speculate he has a position as an investment banker waiting for him on Wall Street. Others say he will go into the construction and tunneling business, perhaps with the contract to build the wall along the Southern border. His wife, the former beauty queen Emma Coronel Aispuro was reported to be extemely distraught by the news that Joaquin was coming home.

Ted Kaczynski, said he would move to Chicago and apply for work with local school districts there. Kaczynski said he understand now that he was crazy, and he finally came to accept that he was crazy, when the response to the Coronavirus pandemic started to make sense to him. He says his years in the Supermax prison have prepared him well for high school teaching.

Richard “The Shoe Bomber” Reid was the most upbeat of all the soon to be released prisoners. He said he has an agent and plans to go on the talk-show circuit in Hollywood; he is already booked on “The View” and he will pursue several possible business deals, and may even play the role of Colin Kaepernick in a movie about the ex NFL quarterback.

Richard “The Shoe Bomber” Reid will get a lucrative endorsement deal with Nike, and play the role of Colin Kaepernick for a low-budget TV movie of the week