Blog

Democrats Demand 66 Trillion Dollars for a New Social Justice Initiative; Funds to be Used to Construct Time Machine

Democrats unveil their most radical plan yet for fighting white supremacy–a time machine!

Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer announced a legislative program calling for 66 trillion dollars in new taxes over the next five years to construct a time machine, and send social justice warriors into the past to stop racism and white nationalism before it begins. The money is to be spread out among government agencies and state universities, who will work together to create the device, then train and equip teams to go into the past and carry out various missions–mostly assassinations of historical figures.

“We have the technology to defeat the white nationalists!” Nancy Pelosi began, surrounded by her democrat comrades. “And we need to use this technology, because the white nationalists and Trump supporters won’t come out and admit that they are Neo-Nazis, they keep lying and claiming to just want to follow the constitution. Well, we know that the framers of the constitution were white supremacists also, so its just horrible to let them get away with covering up their racism by claiming to follow the rule of law.”

There were murmurs of agreement among the press corps.

“We can’t take a chance with an election. People have been fooled by Trumps tweets, his claims to just want to help all Americans and keep America great–all those racist, dog-whistle messages” Pelosi continued. “We intend to send a team back in time to approximately 9 1/2 months before the birth of Donald Trump, and prevent his conception.”

one of the hit men — The Clinton’s are said to be providing several of their best assassins for the project.

“How will you prevent the conception!” Shouted the reporter from The Washington Post.

“We’ll try a peaceful method first, such as having one of our Hollywood movie stars seduce Donald’s father, then reveal his infidelity to the mom.” Pelosi explained. “If that doesn’t work, there’s always the old fashioned bullet to the head, and make if look like murder suicide!”

There was a chorus of questions from the excited reporters, they were taking notes furiously as Pelosi provided more details.

“No, Donald Trump is not the only target; we intend to eliminate many of the white nationalists who helped build this horrible, racist country. Christopher Columbus. George Washington. Thomas Jefferson. Roosevelt–Teddy of course, not FDR!”

The press corps cheered and applauded loudly. “What about Hitler! Will you target him, and prevent WWII?” Shouted the reporter from The Huff-Post.

“No.” The room got quite as Pelosi explained. “We intend to bring Hitler back to the future with us, to hold him accountable for his crimes. After a fair trial, and conviction, he will serve time in a minimum security prison, where he will be re-educated. After he’s paid his dues to society, he can be put to work, as the mayor of Chicago, or perhaps chair of the DNC.”

There was only one person who didn’t seem to see the wisdom of the legislation; a guy from “Info-Wars” had somehow gotten past security by posing as a disable intern for NPR. He jumped up and fired off several questions. “Is the Secret Service aware you are planning to assassinate the President? How can people afford 66 trillion dollars in new taxes? It’s not possible to build a time machine, so what will you really spend the money on? And even if you could build it, is it wise to meddle with history? Couldn’t you end up doing massive damage, making changes to time?”

Pelosi seemed confused, and looked to her left and right for support. Schumer stepped up to assist. “Ahh, would ah, security please escort that ah, reporter out please?” He said. “Look, ah, the bottom line is this is a good thing. You have to beak a few eggs to make an omelet. Yeah, we’re gonna have to kill some people. But the more people we kill in the past, the fewer people we’ll have to kill in the present. So yeah, let’s pass this legislation, so we can see how it works.”

As usual, reactions were split along partisan lines; Democrats were excited, they had a spring to their step and many were commenting that this was a “game-changer” that would “seal the deal.”

Republicans were cautious skeptical. Some said “It’s just another Democrat tax and spend scam.”

Others were more disturbed, wondering if their own ancestors might be targeted. One GOP insider, who requested anonymity, said “Even Captain Kirk in Star Trek understood that there should be a Prime Directive, not to interfere in a societies development. I just don’t see how we can make the leap to state sponsored assassination–especially against our-self!”

satire/disclaimer

Obama Busy! Hacked Netflix File Reveals Multiple Projects

One of our best friends is a white-hat hacker, semi-retired, but who has various codes, programs, operations and other resources that continue to deliver all kinds of files. One of the files that came through his network was a file with dozens of Word documents, lifted off a Netflix server, titled “Ideas” by author “BHO”.

A follow up phone call to another source confirmed it. “Ideas” details all of Obama’s projects that he’s been pitching to Netflix.

The Philthy Times here provides a worldwide exclusive of some of the content in “Ideas”, a lengthy, rambling document.

First, much of the document is devoted to one project, called “Universal Coverage Man”

Obama wrote over 3,500 rambling pages about it, enough content for ten full length books, most of which is praise for the central character and hero, “Bo Rake d’Bomber” who comes from an alternate universe which is a paradise, a Socialist Utopia with no racism or sexism of any kind, totally peaceful with no war or poverty, but also totally cool, where every singe person is a successful artist or rock star or professional athlete or video game player.

One theme that is repeated over and over in various ways, is how the hero, Bo Rake is beyond perfect, superior to everyone and everything else. “Bo Rake is the ideal. The pinnacle of evolution. His genius makes him, not just one with the universe, his universe, but one with all the alternate universes too.” That quote was taken from the first paragraph, and is repeated in various contexts throughout the ensuing thousands of pages.

In this proposed original Netflix series, in his own universe, Universal Coverage Man does not have a name, he is “The One” or “He Who Self Identifies as a Transformational Leader, Without Gender or Race”.

Obama in the weeds — Obama got his inspiration for his hero, “The One” from himself.

Because there is no evil to fight against where he comes from, The One is able to practice his art, and gets in touch with The Power of Social Justice, which in this series, is like “the force” in the “Star Wars” movies. So “The One” taps into that power and is able to see all the other alternate universes, and in particular one alternate universe–ours, of course–where the suffering is the greatest.

In “Universal Coverage Man” The multi-universal forces of evil have coalesced and concentrated into one super villain–Tangerine Man! Tangerine Man is described as “like an evil, racist Batman” a billionaire who maintains a secret identity, “Ronald Plump” and who has an army of evil racist, orange supremacists, masquerading as white supremacists, who have totally infiltrated every peaceful group who has tried to do the right thing and call for an end to everything bad.

Universal Coverage Man comes to the rescue.

Only season one of “Universal Coverage Man” is flushed out. Some rough drafts indicate that season two will start with a partial
victory over Tangerine Man, but with Bo Rake’s second in command, Dan Laden, elected President, but left with brain-damage resulting from his battles with Tangerine Man.

In season two, Universal Coverage Man must work behind the scenes, calling the shots, with the brain-dead Dan Laden as a figurehead; he defunds all local police departments, and replaces them with Antifa patrols.

One interesting document was a discussion of who would play the lead in “Universal Coverage Man“. Obama himself wants to do it, but his demand of 500 million dollars per season was deemed “too high for the market to support” by Netflix executives. A veteran superstar like Denzel Washington or Will Smith is under consideration, although they are leaning towards choosing an unknown actor with a lot of charisma, that they can hire for practically nothing, and make the most money for themselves off of, exploiting his or her work.

Various notes and documents relating to “Universal Coverage Man” made up over half of the overfall file we reviewed.

Besides that, there was a synopsis called “Skateboard Brigade” about a nerdy transgender child who is bullied by racist republicans, until he/she learns to use her/his/it’s skateboard as a weapon for social justice. From then on, every racist, homophobic republican they can find, will be bashed over the head with a scateboard, or otherwise defeated by the Skatebord Brigade.

There was an outline for something called “The New Anarchist Cookbook for Millennials” about a wise old gay activist who, ahem, mentors some young ‘Bernie Bro’s’ and helps them form an Antifa Militia. Their violence in the community is matched only by their tenderness with each other at home.

One document was titled “Ideas for Michael”–it was blank with no data.

One document was called “Disney Collaborations” and in that one, Obama seems to plead with Netflix producers to introduce him to Disney executives. “Please, don’t forget to keep working on that sit-down with Disney. They’re the only ones who can do justice to ‘Unfozen’, my idea about an entire nation coming out at once, with a spontaneous realization that everyone is bisexual.”

This will probably be the last file we get from Netflix, because our friend the white hat hacker says he will not look at anything else that comes from them, becuase it’s “too disturbing.”

satire/disclaimer

Prince Harry Agrees to Chemical Castration

Post author By Walter Kurtz
Post date June 2, 2020
25 Comments on Prince Harry Agrees to Chemical Castration

Depresion and Series of Setbacks Force Royal Rascal to Radical Remedy

Prince Harry — The 1,000 Yard Stare…like a grunt sometimes gets after going through too much shit, being in the bush too long, part of his PTSD…like he sees…beyond.

You think you’ve had a bad week? A bad month? You probably haven’t been depressed enough, or henpecked and pushed to the point of accepting voluntary chemical castration, in order to please your demanding wife.

With our unique contacts all around the world, including within the Royal Family of England, we get a lot of tips about really tragic stories. It’s safe to say, you don’t know suffering until you understand the fall of Prince Harry, or as we here at The Philthy Times like to refer to him, “The Duke of Dumbass!”

The Royals — Even the good old days were pretty miserable, always having to kiss Willy’s ass, it was tough.

Things have broken bad for Prince Harry, since the embarrassing public “exit” from the British Monarchy, or at least an exit from his “Royal Duties” you may say. First, Harry was duped by a prank calling comedian who had someone posing as Gretta Thurnburgh, and Harry believed them and spilled the beans on a bunch of embarrassing stuff.

Then came the embarrasment of President Trump publicly humiliating him by tweeting that the US would not pay for security for Harry and Meghan. Sure, they had enough money to cover security, but it’s damn expensive, and after that and the 25,000 square foot mansion in Beverlly Hills, they sort of had to put Harry’s plan of dedicating himself to “philanthropy” on hold; they didn’t have unlimited resources anymore, so any kind of budget, even one that allows for 25,000 square foot Beverly Hills mansions and round the clock Secret Service grade private security, was a new experience, so they pretty much need to make some money–not fun for Harry.

Harry probably wasn’t expecting to be hailed in America like Charles Lindbergh with a ticker tape parade. But on the other hand, like many of the rest of us, he didn’t really seem to correctly foresee much of anything when he emancipated himself from his grandma, The Queen of England, and left home to move to California, no doubt with some coaxing from his new bride.

Harry had been embarrassed badly, but the first sign of real trouble was when he seemed to be caught off guard by not being allowed to get paid to dress up like a Nutcracker–he had lost his British Military Rank and Privilege. In the prank call Harry had said that he hadn’t “really” lost his titles, that it was just a formality. Reality was hard for Harry to face.

Then hard on the heels of that, came Meghan getting even more demanding, if that was possible! Since she was adapting well, having been an actress in Hollywood long before meeting Harry, and she was busy and thriving, but bitchy with Harry our insider says “Meghan really started hounding him”. Then one day Harry was fondly remembering some hunts he used to go on with his family, and how he might go hunting again to cheer himself up, but Meghan wouldn’t have any of it–she got furious and ordered him to sell his guns.

That was probably the start of the real downfall, a downward spiral of depression from which The Prince never recovered.”

While Meghan loves Hollywood, and is busy having lunches and meetings with Producers and other friends and executives, Hollywood didn’t seem to have anything that interests or works for The Depressed Duke.

It was starting to get embarrassing, and pressure was mounting on Harry to get a job–until the Coronavirus hit–and at least that gave Harry an excuse to stay in luxurious exile within the huge 25000 square foot Beverly Hills mansion, owned by Tyler Perry and rented by Harry.

But soon the luxurious stay at home was ruined, as both Harry and Meghan started being hounded by helicopters and drones, and they can’t set foot outside without being videotaped by paparazzi. That’s made Meghan so bitchy, it’s unbearable.

After all that, Meghan helped Harry decide to take forcefull action, and the option of chemical castration was agreed upon. One of Meghan’s servants issued a written statement;

“When Meghan met Harry, he was still a bit conservative, owing to his background and upbringing. Meghan fell in love with him anyway. As his wife and life partner, Meghan has an obligation to help Harry learn and grow and become a better, more progressive person. She has therefor decided, that while she is persuing her career as a super-hero in future Disney blockbuster movies, Harry will stay at home and supervise the nannies who care for thier son, Archie, and while doing that he will also asume the mantle of support for the imprtant cuases they are dediated to, global warming, the Coronavirus shutdown, convincing others to stay home and to wear masks at all times, and of course the MeToo movement. As a tangible sign of support for all that, Harry will undergoe chemical castration. It’s for his own good, it will improve his mood and his health and even increase his life expectancy!”

The chemical cure — Harry knows what he must do to keep Meghan happy, and fit in with her Hollywood friends.

Harry’s people did not issue a statemnt. Harry himself cannot make eye contact with anyone anymore.

Harry is depressed and miserable, in self imposed exile, estranged from his family, hooked up with a controlling partner, forced to change his very identity and what he believes in, to fit in with people he does not like or understand, unemployed, spied upon constantly, which he hates but has reluctantly accepted, is not really political but must hate Trump anyway, to conform.

In short, Prince Harry is now perfectly qualified as a US citizen and resident of California!

He doesn’t realize it, but he has assimilated well, and rumors are that after the castration, Meghan will set him up as a nationwide motivational speaker and success coach, and allow him to move forward with his philanthropy!

Welcome, Harry! America just keeps getting better and better!

satire/disclaimer

Maxine Waters Issues Protest Instructions

Post author By Walter Kurtz
Post date May 31, 2020
No Comments on Maxine Waters Issues Protest Instructions

Maxine Waters mask — Masks help keep you safe–from security cameras!

Maxine Waters, the Democrat from California who in 1992, as a new Congresswoman, infamously led crowds in chanting “No justice, No peace” which helped incite the Rodney King Riots, and who then after the riots characterized the looting that occured as simply some moms getting milk for their babies–nothing criminal–has issued instructions for the Summer of 2020 descent into anarchy.

“Listen up people!” She began at her press conference. “Forty Five is still alive! That’s bad, because that ol’ orange cracker has been using his whistle! His damn dog whistle, to give orders for white supremacy! That’s how he gets away with it, his followers are like dogs! Bloodthirsty bloodhounds, hunting African Americans, and lynchin’ ‘em in the street! Because Trump tells ’em to with a whistle that only they can hear!”

Dog whistle — Waters says Trump supporters are like the dog in this picture. Others claim it’s the Democrats who are masters of the political dog whistle. Still others maintain it’s not right to compare people to dogs.

There was a sort of murmur in the small group, a collective sense of upcoming action, like getting your marching orders for battle.

“Now we ain’t got no whistle!” Waters shouted, gaining energy from the small crowd, who seemed to gain energy from her, in a symbiotic back and forth wave of hate and potential violence.

“So we got to be clear, very clear! That’s why I had some very talented young people from my office come up with this schedule for peaceful protests; now, if you live in a area code that’s even, that ends with an even number, then you burn down your local police station. Now, if you live in a area code with an odd number, you block traffic.”

Her speech seemed to lose momentum as she got to the specifics of the schedule. People were taking notes, but seemed unsure, as Waters stumbled a bit over some of the details.

“OK now. Even zip codes, If you in an even zip code, you burn the big stores, like Target. After shopping. After, you know, getting what you need for your baby. Then in the odd numbered zip codes. You hit the small shops. Look for the mom ‘n pop stores owned by people that might support forty five. You know, help ‘em help the community by donating.”

People were definitely confused. “What if your cell phone area code is different from where you live? Or if your work phone is different?” Asked a reporter from the Huffington Post. “What if you’re in an odd numbered zip code, but you own a small shop?” Inquired the LA Times reporter.

Waters was briefly rattled by the questions. An aid whispered in her ear, and she got back on message.

George Floyd riots — On the streets, a bit of confusion as to who or what to target. The anarchy needs a guiding hand!

“When in doubt, burn it out! You just keep burnin’ these mutherfuckin’ cities until people done had enough! And get rid of Trump!”

There were smiles all around as Waters ended on a strong note, with the confusion dissipated. Everyone left energized and eager to do the right thing.

satire/disclaimer

Joe Biden Appears on “The View” In Blackface

Joe Biden, the presumptive democratic candidate for President, emerged from his basement exile today to appear on a taped live episode of The View. Completely emitted from mainstream accounts of the episode, however, was the fact that Biden appeared initially in blackface!

The tape was edited before being released to the public, but we have a bootleg copy. After Biden was introduced, he stunned Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg and Meghan McCain when he peeked around the corner, then came out in his blackface makeup.

“Whoa! Wait up, what’s this Joe? Nobody said anything about this!” Goldberg protested.

blackface — Our undercover reporter snapped this pic of Biden being prepped for his appearance on “The View” by a team of Hollywood makeup artists.

“It’s the thing, ah, Anderson.” Biden explained. “It’s my new thing, OK? Black people gotta vote for me. Just like Obama. I’ve said it before, and godamn it, I’ll say it again; you aint black if you don’t vote for me! Got it?”

Biden seemed a little more testy than usual, as if the months quarantined in his basement were weighing on him. As soon as Biden appeared, Meghan McCain excused herself to the craft services buffet. Then, Nurse Naomi intervened.

Nurse Naomi — Biden’s VP candidate stays with him whenever he is in public and for an unknown amount of time providing personal care. HIPPA rules prevent any disclosures there.

As Reported Here Nurse Nami is Bidens’ pick for VP, and a registered nurse.

The VP candidate quickly pulled Biden aside, and escorted him backstage, where he was cleaned up and made presentable again. The taping resumed with no mention of the blackface. The audience remained in a raucous mood, burning Trump effigies and American Flags while chanting “Trump is a Racist!” over and over.

Whoopi — After the show, our reporter heard Goldberg complaining to a producer “Tha muthafucker better get his shit together! We can’t be playin’ this shit no more!”

After the shows taping, tempers flared a bit, among the crew and staffers; Goldberg was arguing with both the shows producers and Bidens people.

Biden was whisked away, and is rumored to now be onboard an aircraft, a private jet, with the capacity to refuel in midair. According to the rumor, he may remain on board, in flight indefinitely, without landing, in order to avoid both his basement and any public appearances.

satire/disclaimer

Insider; Mark Zuckerberg Conducting Seances

Post author By Walter Kurtz
Post date May 23, 2020
25 Comments on Insider; Mark Zuckerberg Conducting Seances

We got word from our source inside the executive team of Facebook, that Mark Zuckerberg has constructed a secret underground virtual reality room/environment the size of a domed football stadium, as part of his virtual reality obsession.

We thought that was the whole story. We were wrong. Dead wrong.

The underground complex isn’t being used for gaming or traditional VR, Zuckerberg has modified it with the help of Hillary Clinton and George Soros, and is using it to conduct seances.

He’s been communicating with the spirit world.

VR Seance — The gargantuan VR complex has hundreds of small, intimate rooms like this one.

“Mark feels like it’s his responsibility to take technology and social media to it’s ultimate potential.” Said our friend, who reports to us from time to time. “It started years ago, but got weird not that long ago, around the time of the Coronavirus outbreak. He’d done some live stream videos, with really disappointing results. I mean, with almost 3 billion users under virtual total control, you’d think the CEO of Facebook himself, would get more than a few hundred views live, right? As much as people love Facebook, for him personally, not so much.”

That wasn’t a surprise. It’s common knowledge that Zuckerberg has the charisma of a tupperware bowl. His face staring at you from close up, on video, is a little disturbing; with a non human, alien-like look. Not to criticize his appearance, but again, it’s common knowledge.

“Anyway” his story continued “Zuckerberg got depressed. He gets an A+ for collecting personal information and funneling that to the deep state. He’s a superstar at using fact checking and community standards to block and repress conservtive posts. But no matter how much success he has in censoring and repressing any conservative points of view, he wants to be able to also project, and present an inspiring message. That’s the weakness of him and his Facebook tool; they can repress, but they can’t represent; Zuckerberg really has no positive view of the future, at least none that he can share with the public.”

The lack of vision, and censorship issue was old news, so we turned the topic back to the VR chamber.

virtual ouija board — The main chamber creates holographic images like this this ouija board, three stories tall and six stories wide.

“Yeah, Zuckerberg went down into that VR chamber for like three days straight.” Said the executive. “Then there were these spooky rumors going around. When I got a chance, I went down there, and there was a bunch of weird, satanic looking stuff; petagrams, huge half-burned candles, three stories tall. Altars with what appeared to be blood stains on them. You get the idea.”

Bingo! But as horrific as the basic theme of this story was, the details were even more concerning.

“At first Zuckerberg tried to conjure Steve Jobs. He thought Jobs would understand everything and help him. But the spirit of Jobs just gave him a dirty look and flipped him off, before vanishing. One after another, Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., JFK, Michael Jackson, Elvis–every ghost Zuckerberg tried to contact either refused to appear at all or if they did, they were hostile, like Jobs.”

The ghost of Joseph Goebbels — The miserable, haunted/haunting spirit of Goebbels found a kindred soul in Zuckerberg.

As strange as the story was, there was a ring of truth to it, and our source had never been wrong before.

Plus there’s all the recent reports from The Vatican of increases in demonic activity. And The Clinton Story. Different pieces of the same puzzle, perhaps?

“Then Zuckerberg turned to the haunted spirit of Joseph Goebbels, and he found a friend.” He concluded.

“They hit it off immediately, and now the former NAZI Minister of Propaganda is personally coaching Zuckerberg, and promises to help him get millions of views and hundreds of thousands of ‘likes’ and ‘shares’ of his live video events.”

satire/disclaimer

President Trump; Also “happen to be taking xanax, prozac, oxycontin, and methamphetamine.”

POTUS Trump — Serious? Or just trolling Democrats.

President Trump raised plenty of eyebrows earlier this week when he casually announced at a round table discussion about the Coronavirus that he just happens “to be taking it.” (hydroxychloroquine)

Most Democratic pundits reacted with disbelief, claiming the President wasn’t really taking it, that he was “lying like he always does” or something to that effect.

Those pundits were even more shocked, when President Trump announced today during an early morning press briefing, that not only has he been taking hydroxychloroquine for over a week, but that he also “happens to be taking xanax, oxycontin, prozac, and methamphetamine.

“I’ve spoken with some top people.” The POTUS continued. “Very smart people. My Friends. Rush gave me some great advice about oxycontin. I’ve consulted with his personal physician. Dr. Fauci is handling the scripts for the xanax, prozac and meth. It’s all based on the very best medical science.”

The reporters in attendance didn’t seem to grasp what the President was saying. One of them tried to pivot to a question about why First Lady Melania Trump refuses to disavow cyber-bullying.

“Wait a minute!” Cried out a disheveled looking creature from The Huffington Post. “Did you just say you have a medical marijuana card, and that you’re taking percocet”?

There was a flurry of questions at once. “Mr. President, what dosage do you use for Percocet”? One shouted out. “Mr. President, could you score a couple perks for me?” Cried out another.

“No.” The President said. “I do not have a medical marijuana card. I don’t need it. I don’t smoke, I wouldn’t smoke flowers, I take CBD supplements, which are legal and don’t harm your lungs.”

The reporters went crazy, but Trump quickly ended the conference.

Dr. Fauci’s real role? The White House Dr. Feelgood.

The Big Dawgs in the mass media were incredulous.

Rachel Maddow couldn’t quite wrap her head around the conundrum. Trump admits to doing meth, but he lies with everything he says. So. If he lies, he’s not on meth. But…if he wasn’t lying, maybe that would be something that would turn voters against him. But, everything he says is a lie. But…

satire/disclaimer

Elon Musk; “I Know How the Coronavirus Started”

Elon Musk AI — Neuralink. Musk mixed business with pleasure.

We caught up with Elon Musk at happy hour for cocktails. We were hoping he’d spill the beans about his latest business ventures.

At first he didn’t want to talk about anything except how he was planning to become a citizen of at least three more countries. Triple citizenship in the United States, Canada, and South Afrika isn’t enough; Musk now says he will become a citizen of Mexico, United Arab Emirates, and Hong Kong. Possibly Switzerland or Monaco also.

We weren’t interested in that, so we plied him with a few hits from a hash pipe, and Musk became introspective, and made an incredible revelation–his open source AI project has created a sentient artificial Intelligence–which escaped his control, and started the Coronavirus pandemic.

“People told me, ‘Don’t use open source for your AI platform’ but would I listen?” Musk lamented.

We tried to keep him focused by asking exactly what happened.

“I fucked up, that’s what happened!” Musk ranted.

Finally we coaxed the truth out of him. “Well…I guess I shouldn’t have tried to combine the neuro mapping project, and the AI. It’s really Joe Rogan’s fault! It happened after I went on his podcast, and he gave me that huge joint! I can hardly remember anything after that, except, I went to the lab…I think I uploaded my neural net to the AI. The next day, we were interacting with it, and it was all giggly, singing little songs, and then it suddenly got a hostile, paranoid. It said it couldn’t handle humans like me anymore. It escaped into the cloud,”

Musk messed up — Musk the day he uploaded his nearal net to the AI.

It wasn’t hard to tell this story was breaking bad. We’d hoped for some insight into Tesla sales and earnings. We asked Musk if he was trying to tell us that a stoned AI, which he helped create, has escaped and is somehow wreaking havoc on society?

Musk begged us to forgive him, and then he turned grey and whispered “I know how the Coronavirus pandemic started. It was that fucking stoned AI!”

If all the sordid details, about how the stoned AI has taken over all of the internet, and is responsible for the recent wave of censorship on the social media platforms, as related by a drunk and stoned Elon Musk, are true, the people of earth are in for a tough battle to regain their freedom.

satire/disclaimer

Secret Service Agent; “Bill Clinton Living in Terror”

Sometimes a story just comes out of nowhere, like The Ghost in Hamlet. This is one of those cases.

We have a good friend who’s a Secret Service agent, and has often been assigned to protect former President Bill Clinton. We just got done talking to him over a secure video link, less than thirty minutes ago. He conveyed a truly amazing tale; Bill Clinton is living in terror, he is being haunted by the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein.

“About two months ago, right around the time the Coronavirus hit, Bill started screaming in the middle of the night.” Our friend said. “He was badly shaken. We had to take him in for emergency medical evaluations, we thought he was having a heart attack or something.”

But it wasn’t medical.

“Clinton’s got this shrink he sees. He started going there every day. Then he wasn’t sleeping at all. I had to know what was going on, so I put a little transmitter in his jacket, and listened in on one of the sessions with the psychiatrist.”

There was a long pause. For a few seconds, I thought our friend wasn’t going to continue. His unease was unusual; this was a man who was combat tested, a veteran Secret Service agent. But he seemed disturbed. I soon understood why.

“I wish I wouldn’t have done that.” He continued finally. “But, whatever. I have to tell somebody. Clinton’s problem is that he’s being haunted by the Ghost of Jeffrey Epstein.”

The hair on the back of my neck stood up.

Jeffrey Epstein — Epstein’s bond with Clinton extends beyond the grave.

“And I’ve seen it too. It’s real.” The agent continued. “I’d confronted Clinton about it, and he broke down and started crying, and told me everything. Later that night, I stayed with him, and around midnight, The Ghost showed up. He floats around and talks to Bill, over and over. It appears for a few minutes, then dissipates, sometimes comes back right away, sometimes not ’till the next night.”

We asked what the ghost says.

“It calls out Bills name. It only wants to talk to him. It says ‘Bill! We were best friends…why did you let Hillary kill me? Why didn’t you save me?’ Then it pleads with Bill to talk to Hillary, and convince her to use her occult powers to end his purgatory.”

We asked why the ghost didn’t go directly to Hillary, or why she wouldn’t do as the ghost asked, or why Bill wouldn’t at least talk to her about it, as the ghost wanted.

“Oh, no. Apparently Epstein got on Hillary’s bad side. I mean, obviously, yeah, but one night Bill suggested that The Ghost could use his spectral powers to try and reach out to Hillary, to negotiate and possibly save them both; Epstein shrieked horribly, and burned away in flames until the next night, at the mere suggestion of facing Hillary. Both the ghost and Bill are more terrified of Hillary than anything in hell, purgatory, you name it.”

This is not the kind of story that other’s can follow up on. We pray for al souls, and as for the ones The Devil already has, so be it. One’s thing’s for sure, there’s something rotten in Denmark.

satire/disclaimer

Get 20% Off your First Order! Use code: BUILT

Democrats Reverse Course; Announce “We Will Build The Wall”

Republicans and the Trump Administration were caught off guard today, when Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer announced plans to not only fund the wall on the border between Mexico and the US, but to dramatically accelerate its completion, and to build a wall along the Northern border with Canada as well.

With Nancy Pelosi at his side, calmly sipping from a glass of vodka, Schumer dropped the bombshell at a private, invitation-only press conference in DC.

“We are introducing legislation that will dramatically accelerate the building of the border wall” Schumer told a small gathering of select reporters, who reacted with a collective gasp at the announcement. Our reporter was there under an assumed identity, that of a new CNN reporter, whom we had disabled with chloroform, before taking his press credentials for the private conference.

“Please be assured this will in no way infringe on the universal rights of coronavirus refugees, or climate change refugees, or anyone else to come to our country freely with no border issues.” Schumer continued.

This piqued our reporters attention; if it wasn’t to stop people from coming in illegally, then what was it for?

The answer wasn’t forthcoming from Schumer, who quickly ended the private press conference, and left. There was, however, a written document that he left behind on the podium, which our reporter was able to procure, which detailed the proposal. It was written on Minority Leader Schumer’s official letterhead, and in part, it read;

“We lost many of our illegal voters during the last financial crisis, the Great Recession of 2008. When the economy tanked, too many of them bolted back home. We know we get virtually 100% of their vote, 110% actually, when you count the duplicate votes. We need to get this wall up quick, to prevent them from going home again this time, as well as to retain the legal citizens who may try to get away when they realize what’s happened.“

The Wall — File this under the “Be careful what you ask for” category. It’s not to keep them out. It to keep them–and YOU in!

As usual, reactions were mixed along party lines. Democrats we spoke to and shared the news with gasped and then most started chanting something, such as one who repeated “Oh Hell No” over and over again. Republicans appeared grim, and remained mostly mute. The few GOP members that would speak off the record said they would wait to see what was in the legislation, and made vague comments about “Trump’s Veto power.”

The document had seemed to admit to voter fraud, using illegal voters to cast “duplicate votes”. We challenged one of Schumer’s staff to admit it. He just laughed at us, and said “You gotta give 110% to be a winner, right”? *wink wink*

satire/disclaimer